Charmed Life by Gretheline Bolandrina

What is closure? Why am I writing about it at this point in my life? February 22 is my Dad’s birthday and having him gone for two years now, this time during the year (spring) makes me all nostalgic. Death Anniversary, April 25. My parents' wedding anniversary May 2nd, the days seem to just run through. I miss my Dad, my heart “aches” for him. His passing was a physical event; the closure of sorts from his illness is a literal event in more than one way. Ending the pain associated with his end stage renal disease, his diabetes closes the door on the confusions of the past. The closed door let us focus on the here and now, my Mom. The closed door allows us to quickly move into the future. Spoke to her yesterday, mother’s day albeit briefly. I hear “closed doors are also hard to open again”, hence we are able to wave “goodbye pain”.

Closure’s happened to me in many different stages in my life. I’ve had the “aha” closure and the ”yes” types over and over again. There’s a point of realization, when I’ve completed a decision, a finite moment when I’ve resolved to cease cognitive and emotional effort. No further associated tensions. A feeling of relief, a release, no further strings attached. Case in point, I was mean to a particular girl in High School. In my immature age of 13, I am not embellishing! She’s done me no wrong yet I tormented her. My crime was calling her out when she had dirty fingernails, shot her down when she tried to do offer snacks among other trivial little things. And I got away with it. Yet, in my twenties, something clicked. I apologized. I wrote her a long letter. I made amends. I am not exactly sure if she’d forgiven me, but having said my piece I have closure.

There is still much unfinished business in this charmed life of mine. Slowly but surely, I am making small progress. My hubby Joe enjoyed watching this TV show, “My name is Earl”. Earl’s got a list he crosses items off. One of these days, I’ll take to doing a list myself. There’s the pretty girl in grade school my close friends and I dubbed ditzy before we even got to know her, the mean HS teacher I didn’t kowtow to, a college professor who made everyone tremble, the Nursing Supervisor and charge nurse on my first nursing job who I both rebelled on. And so goes the plan. In the meantime, this piece will do as a tiny little reminder of wonderful things yet to come.

All’s not heart of course when it comes to closure. There’s always the brain and certain chemicals. Courage, give me courage! It is an ongoing battle, without going to “specifics”; there are certain keywords in my brain that triggers twitches in my heart. Any woman would know, and I suppose this would be a mystery to all men. Studies have shown that when we achieve closure, our brain gives us a nice squirt of “serotonin” from our own private supply of this natural opiate. Hoorah for the benefits! In a way, this is its way of telling us that we are doing the right thing. In a way, the civilized thing, the most decent thing to do. Our brain’s way of saying “thank you”. I am compelled to respond, “You are most welcome”. And it feels good, of course. Case closed.

Feel free to e-mail me reactions, comments and or suggestions for ideas to ponder. Contact me at Gretheline@aol.com or through Carousel Productions.